Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Myers v Bastard Baby; the adventure continues

Following a bout of his usual sedulous detective work, Special Agent Myers produces a lead. Hot on the trail of his arch nemesis, Bastard Baby, Myers undertakes HALO* insertion into the British Army OP** at the top of Derry’s Divis Flats. Far below, working class Fenian teenagers swarm, their bellies swollen with cash-crop whelps.

The Bastard is down there somewhere Lieutenant. I can smell him.

Pardon sir?

His nappy, you fool. I can smell his bastard nappy.

Yes, sir. We’re brewing up, Colonel Myers, would you like a cup of char?

Oh, how delightful. I shall have it in a dear little china cup, with a crumpet balanced just so on the lip of my saucer.

Er, we only have tin mugs sir.

Sigh, they don’t treat me like this when I mess with the RIR.

The who, sir?

The Royal Irish Regiment. You probably know them by their original name, the UDR***. They bagged many’s the Tadhg when you were still in nappies. Speaking of which, Lieutenant, you’re not a bastard are you?

No sir.

No. Of course not. Couldn’t let the side down what, what.

Er.

The Bastard is an unreliable cove, Lieutenant. A creature of low cunning, and the litter whelp of the professional bitch, a confused, lazy and backward species of gel**** in whose womb the embryonic bastard finds easy purchase.

Steady on, sir.

WHAT DID YOU SAY?! Are you mired in the schoolgirl swamp of what is “hurtful” and “offensive”?***** Doth thith howwid talk make one want to cwy?****** Dear God! Has the media’s quasi-liberal, politically correct agenda******* penetrated even the doughty red line which held at Rorke’s Drift, and drove the Madhi into the White Nile?? This is your work Bastard Baby, YOU BASTARD!

Sergeant.

Yes, Lieutenant.

Show the Colonel the window, there’s a good chap.

At the double, sir.

*High Altitude Low Opening parachute jump - black ops tastic stuff.
**Observation Post.
***Ulster Defence Regiment - a fine body of men, not remotely a disgrace to their uniforms.
****I'm not making this up.
*****Really, I'm quoting here.
******This is the Colonel speaking, honestly.
*******Just look at the last post on Cruiskeen Eile, seriously.

13 Comments:

Blogger fústar said...

Oh that Col. Myers...

He's incorrigible!

Good stuff. Nearly spat out some of my coffee (contained in a modest Dunne's Stores mug) while reading one or two of the choicer bits.

Oh that Col. Myers...

He so Craaayyyzzzeee!

1:00 p.m.  
Anonymous Stellanova said...

More Myers vs BASTARD BABY, please! This is fantastic.

Also, thank you for reporting on the colonel's antics so I don't have to raise my blood pressure by actually reading the dreadful column.

3:01 p.m.  
Blogger Copernicus said...

BASTARD BABY* is no ordinary villain, stellanova. Something tells me he may continue to elude the Colonel for some time to come, in plenty of exciting adventures.

*Disclaimer: Bastard Baby may be a figment of the Colonel's imagination and, as such, not actually exist.

3:12 p.m.  
Anonymous eoin said...

Yawn. How very *obvious* that the liberal bourgeoisie would find any hint of politically incorrect deviance in the Irish Times to be appalling, and the geekiest and saddest of them all would found a Myerswatch blog. One would assume that the bllodletting on the afternoon radio shows for *any* deviant opinion Ireland were good enough for that. Maybe this blog should just round up the liberal posse and get the man kicked out of Ireland. Try the same mob that ran Mary Ellen Synon out. Get together with the Muslims who were "offended" by the cartoons, with whom you have much in common.

Possibly Myers best chance now is to go down the Breda O'Brien route and suggest we all be nice to the childers, and the travellers and arent she marvelous altogether: or alternatively he could do a vincent browne and demand that "we as a society " pay him more money, for good egalitarians must have four jobs and one must involve sequestering money from a population poorer than him in the form of the TV license poll tax.

Which is to say, these targets would be easy, but pompous idiots from the millionaire suburbs are probably not going to involve themselves in attacking the actual hypocrisy of their "moral" betters, since the liberal bourgeois hypocrisy of the Irish Times discourse is designed to propagate privilege while pretending to be opposed to it.

Myers breaks ranks and draws too much attention to said discourses, so round up the posse, drive him out of town, for Breda O'Brien has another article about how "we as a society" are responsible for the failure of teachers, managers, and health board officials to educate or treat us properly or fairly, and it is our fault - not the fault of the elites - that they fail . So let's put her in his position lest we be too "offended" too often, and whatho - look! - not really caring to read boring prose one must just turn to the property pages which show one that mamskis and dadskis house is worth millions.

It's just mervelous, roysh. One gets to be a millionaire without any work whatsoever, and it gives one so much time to tackle the hegemonic discourses that make ireland such an unequal place, and bring down that weactionary Myers who said the word bastard!!!

coud one be more radical?

1:29 a.m.  
Blogger Copernicus said...

How do you get to be a millionaire by striking bourgeois liberal poses again? It doesn't seem to have worked for me.

Oh and stop deleting us from the Wikipedia, you stupid twat. We're a legitimate external link and have not presented ourselves as a "source" of facts.

And if it's all such a "yawn" wherefore the lengthy comment and repeated editing of the Myers entry on Wikipedia?

The lady doth protest too much.

1:44 p.m.  
Blogger Florrie O'Donoghue said...

Dining one evening in a pleasant restaurant "somewhere in France" I noted a group of Irish Army and British Army Officers seated together nearby. It appeared they were in France for a commemoration service at a memorial to the Irish dead of the World Wars.

Lt.Col.Myers ( I use the Lt.Col. Myers tag deliberatley as Myers actually never made it to Col. although he loves the title) suddenly popped his head around the door and advanced beaming when he saw the British Officers. However, when he noted the Irish presence he blushed and made a sudden about-turn and left the restauarant. This caused some hilarity and ribald comments from -surprsingly- not the Irish Officers but the Brits.

I wonder why? Any observations or ideas would be helpful.

Florrie O'Donoghue

12:43 p.m.  
Blogger Copernicus said...

If only this comment could be verified.

1:58 a.m.  
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